It was a sad sad day in California when votes approved Proposition 8. For those of you not familiar with the unconstitutional piece of legislative garbage, Prop 8 was an angry backlash issued in response to the California State Supreme Court ruling in favor of gay marriage. However, when put to a public vote, 52 percent of voters voted in favor of banning gay marriage in the state of California.
But luckily, last month a federal judge has ruled that the state’s same-sex marriage ban is in fact unconstitutional. Duh, obviously limiting the civil liberties of an entire group of citizens is unconstitutional. Judge Vaughn Walker wrote in his 136-page decision, ”Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license … Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples.”
Indeed, Judge Vaughn! Who do those Californians think they are, saying that opposite sex couples are superior?!
But where does this leave the gay of California? Sadly, gay marriage isn’t legal there quite yet. Judge Walker issued a stay on the order overturning Prop 8, which means its narrow-minded ignorant supporters will be given the chance to argue why it should remain in effect. This means that most likely the case will have to go to the U.S. Supreme Court before it is settled. No one knows how long it might take the case to get to the Supreme Court, which means California is a state of limbo right now, as far as gay marriage goes. Of course, once the case goes to the Supreme Court, and they too rule that Prop 8 is unconstitutional, then that would ultimately mean legalized marriage for all citizens, gay
or straight.
Of course, many people are upset by this recent news of justice for all … many conservative groups feel that this ruling has somehow threatened the sanctity of marriage. They claim that since millions of Californians voted in favor of stripping their peers of their rights to marry, that this type of bigotry and ignorance should therefore by tolerated. But of course, those people are all allowed to get married, so what does it mean to them?
Only time will tell of course, but this could be an important first step in a chain of events which could actually lead to finally seeing equal rights for gays and lesbians.
Some people think that whenever anything even remotely homophobic is said, all gays within a 20-yard radius need to pounce immediately. While other people feel like they can’t be bothered to fight all the hatred and ignorance in the world. So what
is the correct thing to do? What should we be doing when we encounter homophobia?
Many gay rights activities believe that by not confronting homophobia, we are merely sending the message that homophobia is acceptable behavior. Whether you chose to get into a debate or simply walk away is your decision, but as members of the gay community it is our job to stand up for ourselves.
Don’t let it “just slide.” Your out with friends and someone jokingly calls someone else a “fag,” or you’re at the office and a co-worker makes a derogatory remark. Even though these insults aren’t aimed at you, they perpetuate ignorance and they ultimately stand in the way of universal acceptance. You don’t necessarily have to make a scene, but you should make a stand. It’s okay to say, “you know, I find what you said offensive” or “I don’t appreciate those kinds of remarks.” You don’t have to be aggressive if you don’t want to be, but it’s important that people know that these types of comments are not okay.
Try to educate. Many people simple don’t realize that what they are saying or doing is offensive. As much as you might want to yell and scream and shake some sense into them, it’s best to try to gently educate them instead. Explain why their comments are insulting to you. Try to explain to them why it’s unAmerican not to have equal rights. Of course there are people out there that will never agree with you, but there are plenty of reasonable people out there who are open to having their point of view changed.
Stay calm. There are always situations worth getting worked up over, but usually its best to remain calm. Even if you get involved in a heated debate, try to keep your cool. Losing your temper and getting angry doesn’t help the cause. You’ll get much more respect from the people around you if you always maintain an air of respectability.
Leave the situation, if need be. There’s no point in staying in a situation in which you are being disrespected. Don’t let yourself get bullied. It’s one thing to agree to disagree, but it’s another thing to allow yourself to be insulted. If you’re not being treated properly, then walk away. Show people that they need to take these issues seriously, or you may not always be around.
Some people are convinced that any city, as long as it’s a “real” city, is a fine destination for gays and lesbians. However, this is not really the case. Just because a city has surpassed a certain number of inhabitants or has a c
ertain number of tall buildings does not mean that it necessarily is a good travel destination. Sometimes it is surprising what small overlooked city might have a thriving gay community, and other times it is shocking to see what large metropolis might be lacking a good gay club. So without further ado, here is a list of fab gay cities that everyone should visit (in no particular order):
San Francisco – Obvious choice, this city has been a beacon of gayness from the beginning. Take a walking tour of the Castro to learn a little about the history of Gay Rights in the U.S.
New York City – Although New York State has chosen not to legalize gay marriage, New York City is possibly the gay capital of the world.
Buenos Aires – You hardly need a reason to go to Buenos Aires, but if the beautiful scenery, inexpensive red wine, and organic grass-fed steak isn’t enough … this open-minded and liberal city has recently legalized gay marriage, and has plenty of gay clubs and beautiful gay Argentines.
Miami – Miami is hot and spicy, with a vibrant gay scene that is not to be missed.
Atlanta – Artsy and a little bit indie, Atlanta is a great place for the more subdued gay or lesbian who isn’t necessarily looking for all the glitz and fanfare of New York City or Miami.
London – They don’t call it gay old England for nothing. Okay, I think they call it jolly old England, but who cares? Gay bars and clubs, cute gay people with adorable accents, and you get to be in London.
Rehobeth Beach, Delaware – (this is more of a town than a city, but whatever) Delawhere? Who knew? This sleepy little beach town is filled with frolicking gays, both local and out-of-town. Cutesy gay shops and restaurants fill the streets, and vacationing gay couples hold hands while strolling the boardwalk.
Berlin – A beautiful and grand city, Berlin not only has a lively gay scene, but they are also governed by an openly gay mayor, and have one of Europe’s first exclusively gay old people’s home. You may just want to vacation there to scout it out for retirement.
Sydney – The land down under is a great place for gay travelers. It’s hard to imagine that homosexuality was illegal in New South Wales until 1984, but now lesbians and gays are integrated into every part of Sydney life and culture, especially the three week long Mardi Gras which is just one city-wide gay dance party.
One time or another, every gay person has had a crush on a straight person. Maybe it was an unrequited love sort of thing, crushing on the high school quarterback or the popular cheer leader. Other times it might be a friend or co-worker that you have a great connection with … if only they weren’t straight.
We’ve all played around with the fantasy of somehow “turning” this person gay. Maybe, if this person sees just how great we are, they will be blind to gender and will “switch teams.”
Does that ever happen? In the history of dating has a straight person ever decided to pursue a gay relationship. Yeah, I’m sure that does actually happen from time to time. However, it is so rare that it hardly seems worth the risk, time commitment, and potential for emotional pain and social embarrassment.
More likely, once your feelings are made know, your crush will probably feel awkward and uncomfortable around you. Even the
most gay-friendly of people will feel strange to know that their gay friend, gay co-worker, gay acquaintance, etc is harboring deep feelings for them. They won’t know how to act around you, and most likely it will negatively affect your relationship, if not ruin it completely.
Let’s just say that this person, for some reason, does actually decide to switch teams. Now what? Now you are stuck dealing with someone fresh out of the closet. You will have to deal with all the drama and emotional upheaval of coming out of the closet. And this time, it really is all your fault.
What’s worse is that this person may not even choose to be out of the closet. They most likely will choose to keep whatever is going on a secret, since they are just “experimenting.” And let’s face it, most people who “experiment” are really just on a short visit to Gay Town and have no intention of setting up shop here. Because if they were really gay, they would’ve dealt with it a long time ago. How will you feel when your crush decides to go back to the way things were?
Even if your relationship continues, you will always wonder about your crush’s true feelings. Are they really happy? Are they really gay? Are they going to cheat on your with someone of the opposite sex? You’ll never know for sure.
And lastly, just think about this … would you ever be convinced to be straight? Just like you want people to respect the fact that you are gay, you in turn should respect the fact that other people are straight.
The internet has given us so much: online porn, youtube, youporn, facebook, and of course … online dating. Look, I know there’s a certain amount of stigma to online dating … there’s this feeling of failure that you couldn’t cut it meeting people out in the real world so you had to resort to your computer. But let’s face it … people are online. We don’t have the same sort of social functions that we used to, and we spend much of our time on the internet. So use it to your advantage and go out there and find your Mr. or Ms. Right.
Also, if you do not have the luxury of living somewhere like New York City or Los Angeles where there are literally hundreds of thousands of gay people to choose from, going online is a great way to meet other gay people. Unlike at bars and clubs, everyone online has their gender preferences openly displayed.
Here are some tips to get you started:
Find a site that’s right for you. There are so many websites out there and they all cater to different things. There are sites for people based on religion, interests, activities, geographic locations, etc. Obviously there are sites specific to gays and lesbians, but then there are also sites such as OkCupid or Match.com that cater to all people equally (not like that evil eHarmony!) Make sure you choose a site that fits you and your personality … you don’t want to go fishing in the wrong pond!
Take the time to make a killer profile. This is your “first impression” and it’s your one chance to show the online dating community how great you are. Put some effort into your writing so that you can really showcase your personality. Only post the very best pictures of yourself. Have a friend who is a photographer? Ask him or her to take some professional level pictures of you. Remember, a picture is worth a thousand words.
Don’t misrepresent yourself. Sure, we all wish we were taller, thinner, younger, sportier, whatever. Don’t lie on your profile. This will only lead to bad things … like your date being really disappointed with the real you. If you feel that you need to lie, maybe this is a sign that you need to do a little re-vamp work on yourself to make yourself a better person.
Be safe! It doesn’t matter how many e-mails you’ve exchanged or how many hours you’ve spent IMing. You do NOT know this person. First dates should always take place in public, where there are plenty of people around. Tell a friend where you are going, and have them give you an “emergency escape call” about an hour into your date. This way you can leave politely if it’s not going well.
It’s true what the say … you’ll find someone when you least expect it. To be perfectly honest, at the time I met my boyfriend, I had pretty much given up on the idea of ever meeting someone of substance. Sure, I had moved beyond the bars and the clubs and had been in several long-term relationships, but with each failed relationship it just seemed more and more unlikely that I would ever be able to find what I was looking for.
Every relationship I was in seemed to go horribly wrong. One after another, each guy had so new emotional disfunction that kept our relationship from going anywhere. It was just disappointment after disappoint, and eventually all these bad break-ups became too painful for me to handle.
So I just accepted what I considered to be an undeniable fact: I was never going to find what I wanted, probably because of some fault in me, and that I would be single forever. Fine. That’s life.
One night I was out with friends at a karaoke bar, and of course I was paying no attention to the eligible gay men around me because I had come to terms with the idea that I was destined to be alone. After I had done a stunning rendition of Blondie’s One Way or Another, a cute guy came over to me to compliment my singing. I thanked him politely and then continued talking to my friends. It never even occurred to me to give him the time of day. I paid as little attention to him as a person possibly could without being rude. I wasn’t playing hard to get (I’m not that clever), I was just that oblivious.
By the end of the night we exchanged numbers, but I still wasn’t imagining that this would come to anything. Then a crazy thing happened … he called me the very next day and invited me to brunch. I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had showed that level of initiative.
Fast forward to a few weeks later … we had hung out a few times, but I was still being distant. Then one day he actually called me on it. He told me that he really liked me, but that if I couldn’t “be real” with him, then he was going to go elsewhere.
Well, that was a huge wake-up call to me! I was so busy protecting myself from being hurt again that I almost pushed away someone who really did want to care about me! I told him immediately that I really like him too (which at that moment, I realized that I did. He was all the things I had been looking for), and that I was sorry. I have him the whole “I’ve been hurt before” speech, but I made sure to change my behavior immediately. And thankfully, we’ve been together ever since.
Sadly, true flirting is a skill that can not be taught. You either have it or you don’t With that said, there is always room for improvement. Here are some tips on how to get that guys attention:
1. Make eye contact. Never underestimate the power of an intent glance. Position yourself in a place where you can make eye contact and get his attention.
2. Keep staring. It’s our nature to stop looking at someone once they catch us looking. But that is the exact opposite of what you want to do! Once you’ve locked eyes with him, keep your glance for at least a few seconds. Don’t forget to give a little playful grin, you don’t want him to think you’re some psycho staring him down.
3. Make your move. There’s nothing worse than missing your window. Strike while the iron is hot. Go over there and seal the deal! This of course is the hardest part.
4. Just do it. Gather your strength and approach him with confidence. Give him a sly grin and introduce yourself. Keep your cool, as to avoid any awkwardness, and get the conversation rolling.
5. Do the drive by. Don’t have the guts to try to talk to him? Then why not try this instead … write your phone number on a piece of paper. Walk straight up to him with confidence, head held high and shoulders back. Fake it if you have to, or this move won’t work. Hand him your number and say something bold like “dinner. you. me.” And then walk off proudly into the sunset. If you do it right, he’s sure to be intrigued enough to call.
6. Get in and get out. Did you get his attention? Good. Now leave before you ruin it! Get his number or his e-mail address and get out of there while he’s still intrigued by you.
7. Don’t forget to follow up. You’ve done all the hard work, now make sure you don’t let it all go to waste! If you got his number and you said you’d call, then call! This is why you went through all that in the first place. It’s best to wait about twenty-four to forty-eight hours before calling. If you call too soon and you might wind up looking desperate. But on the other hand, if you wait too long you can run the risk of him forgetting who you are entirely.
As fun as gay bars can be, many of us eventually get tired of the club scene and start yearning for something of more substance. If you’re looking to meet a nice gay guy for something a little more serious than a one night stand, you’re going to need to leave to gay bar and move on to something else. But what?
Explore the gay community. If you live in a city, it should be no problem at all to find gay community events to take part in. There may also be a political group of gay rights activists that you can get involved in. Find a gay gathering near you and strike up a conversation with someone new.
Volunteer your time. Doing charity work doesn’t necessarily mean that you will meet other gay men (unless you volunteer for a gay-related charity, which is a fabulous thing to do), but it is a great way to do something good for mankind, while also meeting other people (gay or straight). Also, in general, volunteer work often makes us feel better about ourselves and, not to sound like your mother, but it also builds character. Just think, when you meet that strong handsome man of your dreams, you can wow him with your strong moral fiber.
Go online. There are countless numbers of gay chat rooms, meet-up groups, dating websites, etc for gay people. Even if you live in the middle of nowhere, there is something out there for you on the internet. Don’t be afraid to send someone a message; you never know where it will lead to. Use technology to your advantage and go connect with someone.
Become involved in an extracurricular activity. Whether it’s a gay chorus, an adult education class, or a local book club, there are plenty of ways to get out into the community to meet people. Anytime you meet someone, even if they are straight, it is an opportunity to network. Think about it: almost every straight person has at least one token gay friend. You could be set up with that nice friend! And again, having a hobby or activity you’re involved in only makes you more attractive to your potential new date.
Put the word out. Tell family and friends that you’re interested in meeting someone. You never know where it could lead. With facebook and other social networking sites, people are in contact with so many more people than ever before. You have no idea what kinds of new people you might be able to be exposed to if you just ask.
Congratulations, you’ve come out of the closet! But now what? There’s a big fabulous world out there, but as a newbie there are some things that you need to know:
Take it slow. You’ve got all the time in the world. Sure, now that you’ve gotten your little gay feet wet, you just want to jump right in. Well slow down there partner! Of course you want to experience everything, but remember that there’s plenty of time. Stereotypically, newbies tend to be a bit … well … crazy. Don’t be that newbie! Don’t be that person who is trying to cram 15, 20, or 25 years of gayness into one weekend. Take you time, enjoy yourself. And for the love of Pete, try to stay out of trouble.
Avoid serious relationships. It’s the same with almost anything in life, you don’t want to quickly jump into a relationship just when you’re starting out a new chapter in your life. You’ve been openly gay for all of five seconds, enjoy it. Figure out who you are and how you fit into the gay community. Don’t just rush into a relationship with the first person who gives you the time of day. Often, when newbies enter relationships, they have a bit of a “hero worship” problem with their partner, viewing them as someone who can do no wrong since they’ve been out of the closet longer and have more experience. Become your own person before you try to couple yourself with someone else.
Protect yourself. You may be a newbie, but you’re not invincible. Just because it’s your first time, doesn’t mean it’s anyone else’s first time. Always use protection. Carry it around with you at all times. It may sound paranoid to say, but trust no one. You may not feel naive and innocent, but in many ways you are naive and innocent.
Be smart and be safe. There are a lot of danger situations out there just waiting for you: drugs, cruising, drugs, group sex, and more drugs. Be mindful of your surroundings. Keep your wits about you, and avoid situations that can lead to (too much) trouble.
Watch yourself. You may still be reeling with the feeling of freedom from coming out of the closet, but don’t forget that not everyone is as accepting of gays as your friends and family members. It’s a dangerous world out there and you need to be mindful of what it’s like to be out of the closet in the real world.
Some people are monogamous by nature, and love nothing more than settling down with that special someone. But others never tire of the gay dating scene, specifically cruising. There are many arguments for and against cruising, but if you choose to cruise, it’s important to be safe about it.
1. Always bring protection. And lots of it. This is NUMBER ONE! There is no reason not to have several condoms with you at all times. I know, I sound like some mom from the 1950s telling you not to leave the house unless you’re in clean underwear (although that is sound advice too). You never know what is going to happen. Maybe you’ll meet some cute guy on the subway or strolling through a park. Like the Boy Scouts always say, “Be Prepared.” And it’s best to be very prepared … you never know how many boys you may run into
2. Be selective, at least a little bit. Okay, so the whole idea of cruising is that it is anonymous, or close to anonymous. But always listen to your gut instinct. If someone seems a bit off to you, or creepy, or there is something that just isn’t quite right about them … move on! There will always be another day. Best to air on the side of caution. God forbid something happens to you and you have the “I knew it” realization a little too late.
3. Don’t get yourself in situations that you can’t get out of. It’s important to keep your wits about you. Of course sex often takes place in private or semi-private places, but you always need to be aware of your surroundings. Don’t let yourself be led into a dangerous spot all in the name of a good time. Likewise, although many sexual positions may leave you vulnerable, you may want to avoid bondage or other activities which will leave you completely helpless.
4. Always use protection. I know, I said this already. But it is extremely important! There is no excuse for not using protection. Sure, if you are in the confines of a committed and trust-filled relationship and you’ve both been tested, yada yada yada, fine. But this is a stranger. Remember Stranger Danger! Do not take his word for it that he has been tested. Anyone can have a Sexually Transmitted Disease, and it only takes one time to get infected. Don’t let yourself become a statistic!
Some people are convinced that any city, as long as it’s a “real” city, is a fine destination for gays and lesbians. However, this is not really the case. Just because a city has surpassed a certain number of inhabitants or has a c
NO!
The internet has given us so much: online porn, youtube, youporn, facebook, and of course … online dating. Look, I know there’s a certain amount of stigma to online dating … there’s this feeling of failure that you couldn’t cut it meeting people out in the real world so you had to resort to your computer. But let’s face it … people are online. We don’t have the same sort of social functions that we used to, and we spend much of our time on the internet. So use it to your advantage and go out there and find your Mr. or Ms. Right.
